Annelle

M’Lynn. Oh, sure. Basically….after  the transplant failed, she went back on dialysis …you knew that. She’d been doing fine the last few months. But last Monday, everything went wrong. It was like dominoes. They thought they could correct things with a little surgery. As they wheeled her down, she said, “ Mama, I’m going to feel so good when this is over. “ They gave her a little anesthetic…

Annelle. In a way she was right. Maybe she knew she was going to be with her king.

M’Lynn. (A little shaken) Yes Annelle. Maybe so.

Annelle. We should be rejoicing

M’Lynn. You go ahead. I wish I could feel that way. I guess I’m a little selfish. I’d rather have her here.

Annelle. Miss M’Lynn. I don’t mean to upset you by saying that. You see. When something like this happens, I pray very hard to make head or tails of it. I think in Shelby’s case, she wanted to take care of that baby, of you, of everybody she knew….and her poor body was just worn out. It wouldn’t let her do everything she wanted to do. So she went onto a place where she could be a guardian angel. She will always be young. She will always be beautiful. And I personally feel much safer knowing she’s up there on my side. I know some people might think that sounds real simple and stupid… and maybe I am. But that’s how I get through things like this.

M’Lynn. (Gentler) Thank you, Annelle. I appreciate that.

Clairie

Clairie. Here, hit this! Go ahead, M’Lynn. Slap her !

Ouiser (dumbfounded.) Are you crazy ?

Clairie. Hit her !

Ouiser. Are you high ?

Truvie. Clairie, have you lost your mind ?

Clairie. We can sell T-shirts saying “I Slapped  Ouiser

Boudreaux !” Hit her!

Ouiser. Truvy.! Dial 911 !

Clairie. Don’t let her beauty stand in the way. Hit her !

Annelle. Miss Clairie, enough !

M’Lynn Hush Clairie. (Everyone is beginning to lighten up)

Clairie. Ousier, this is your chance to help your fellow man.  Knock her lights out, M’Lynn !

Truvy.Clairie. You’re gonna piss off God if you’re not careful.

Ouiser. Let go of me ! (Clairie does so)

Clairie. Well, M’Lynn. You just missed the chance of a lifetime. Most of Chinquapin Parish’d give their eyeteeth to take a whack at Ouiser.

Ouiser. You are a pig from hell.

Clairie  O.K.  Alright. Hit me, then. I deserve it.

Ouiser. Whatever would we do without Clairie’s own special brand of humor ?

Truvy. Clairie. You are evil and you must be destroyed.

Clairie. Darling. Mother Nature  is taking care of that faster than you could. Things were getting entirely too serious there for a moment. I’m sorry M’Lynn. We are all entitled to our sorrow.

M’Lynn. That was very funny, Clairie.

Annelle. I have to admit I laughed….even if it wasn’t a very Christian thing to so, Miss Clairie .

Clairie. Annelle, honey. You’re going to have to lighten up.

Annelle. My husband says the same thing.

Clairie. (giggle) I bet Lloyd got a kick out of  that one.

Ouiser. Lloyd did get a lot of enjoyment at my expense when he was alive.

Clairie. M’Lynn. You know how much Lloyd adored Shelby. I am sure he’s up there now showing her around…fixing her speeding tickets….

M’Lynn. Shelby was always crazy about Lloyd.

Clairie. She worshipped the quicksand he walked on. And I’m sure when Shelby got up there, he was very happy to see a familiar face. He was a Louisiana politician. We don’t know many people who went to heaven. (Claries turns her attention to Ouiser)

Ouiser.  Clairie…

Clairie. Ouiser . You know I love you more than my luggage.

Ousiser. You’re too twisted for color TV.

Clairie. Thank you.

M’Lynn

 M’LYNN. Well I wasn’t in the mood to play bridge. (Beat) No. I couldn’t leave my Shelby. It’s interesting. Both the boys were difficult births. I almost died when Jonathan was born. Very difficult births. Shelby was a breeze. I could’ve gone home that afternoon I had her. I was thinking about that as I sat next to Shelby while she was in the coma. I would work her legs and arms to keep the circulation going. I told the ICU nurse we were doing our Jane Fonda. I stayed there. I kept on pushing….just like I always have where Shelby was concerned… hoping she’d sit up and argue with me. But finally we all realized there was no hope. At that point I panicked. I was very afraid I would not survive the next few minutes while they turned off the machines. Drum couldn’t take it. He left. Jackson couldn’t take it. He left. It struck me as amusing. Men are supposed to be made of steel or something. But I could not leave. I just sat there……holding Shelby’s hand while the sounds got softer and the beeps got further apart until all was quiet. There was no noise, no tremble….just peace. I realized as a woman how lucky I was. I was there when this wonderful person drifted into my world and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life so far.

Truvy. (putting the finishing flourishes on M’Lynn’s hair)

Well I don’t know how your insides are doing. But your hair is holding up beautifully. All it needs is a lick and a promise. Did you have it done in Shreveport?

M’LYNN. No. I did it myself,,,

Truvy. Hold it missy. I don’t want to hear that kind of talk.

M’LYNN. Doing my own hair was so odd. I had no idea about the back….

Truvy. You did a lovely job. I just smoothed out the rough spots. In fact, I’m going to be looking for temporary help when Annelle goes on maternity leave…interested ?

M’LYNN. (struggling for control) It was just with so much going on, I didn’t know  if I would have time…..would feel like coming here. But this morning I wanted to come here more than any thing. Isn’t that silly ?

Truvy. No.

M’LYNN. Last night I went into Shelby’s closet for something….and guess what I found . All our Christmas presents stacked up, wrapped. With her own two hands…I’d better go.

Truvy. Check the back.

M’LYNN. Perfect…as always. (M’Lynn continues to gaze into the mirror) You know…..Shelby…Shelby was right. It does kind of look like a blond football helmet (M’Lynn disintegrates)

Truvy. Honey. Sit right back down. Do you feel alright?

M’LYNN. Yes. Yes. I feel fine. I feel great. I could jog to Texas and back, but my daughter can’t. She never could. I am so mad I don’t know what to do. I want to know why. I want to know why Shelby’s life is over. How is that baby ever going to understand how wonderful his mother was ? Will he ever understand what she went through for him? I don’t understand. Lord I wish I could. It is not supposed to happen this way. I’m supposed to go first. I’ve always been ready to go first. I can’t stand this. I just want to hit somebody until they feel as bad as I do.  I…just want to hit something….and hit it hard.

Ouiser

(The door bursts open. It’s Ousier ,very upset)

Ouiser. This is it. I’ve found it. I am in hell.

Truvy. Morning, Ouiser.

Ouiser. Don’t try and get on my good side. I no longer have one.

Truvy. You’re a little early. You’re not expected ‘til elevenish.

Ouiser. That’s precisely why I’m here. I have to cancel. (the phone rings, Ouiser picks it up and hangs up on the caller ) I have to take my poor dog to the vet before he has a nervous breakdown. My dog I mean. The vet is perfectly healthy. (To Annelle) You must be the new girl.

Annelle.Hi

Ouiser. May I have a glass of water? I have been screaming this morning.  (Exit Annelle)

M’Lynn. I’m sorry this thing has gotten out of hand, Ouiser…

Ouiser. It’s not your fault, M’Lynn. I used to think that you were crazy for marrying that man. Then I thought for a few years that you were just a glutton for punishment. Now I realize you must be on some mission from God. I have not slept in days. I look like a dog’s dinner. However, when I got up this morning, I decided I would try to rise above it. I would start anew. Whatever that man has done, I would overlook it in honor of your wedding day, Shelby. I thought I would make myself a little presentable and floss up the house in case somebody wanted to drop in….it being a big day in the neighborhood and all. So I go out to cut some fresh flowers for the living room. I go down to my magnolia tree and there is not a bloom on it !

M’Lynn. Ouiser, the Judge has not decided whose tree that is exactly.

Ouiser. It’s mine ! (Enter Annelle with a glass of water) Be that as it may….it would not be too much to ask for me to have one blossom to brighten my home. I am all alone except for my dog.

Clairee. You need something in your life besides that dumb animal….

Ouiser. Put a lid on it, Clairee. I was standing there looking at my ….my naked magnolia tree when I saw Drum across the way loading what appeared to be a cannon. I asked him what happened to all those magnolia blossoms. He said the wind probably blew them off during the night. Then I asked him how the wind managed to blow them all off into your pool. Then he fired at me ! Is that rude or what ?

M’Lynn. They’re blanks. And Drum would never aim a gun at a lady.

Ouiser. He’s a real gentleman. I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.

M’Lynn. That’s uncalled for,

Ouiser. All I know is my poor animal has had to be sedated. He has a condition.

Shelby

Shelby. Uh. Jackson and I have something to tell you. We wanted to tell you when you and Daddy were together, but you’re never together, so it’s every man for himself. I’m pregnant.

M’Lynn. Shelby ?

Shelby. I’m going to have a baby.

M’Lynn. I realise that.

Shelby. Well…is that it ? Is that all you’re going to say

M’Lynn.  I…what do you expect me to say ?

Shelby. Something along the lines of congratulations.

M’Lynn. ….Cpngratulations

Shelby. Would it be too much to ask for a little excitement ? Not too much, I wouldn’t want you to break into a sweat or anything.

M’Lynn. I’m in a state of shock. I didn’t think..

Shelby. In June. Oh, Mama. You have to help me plan. We are going to get a new house. Jackson and I are going house hunting next week. Jackson loves to  hunt for anything.

M’Lynn. What does Jackson say about this ?

Shelby. Oh, he’s very excited. He says he doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl…. But I know he  really wants a son so bad  he can taste it. He’s so cute about the whole thing. It’s all he can talk about… Jackson  Latcherie Junior.

M’Lynn. But does he ever listen ?I mean when doctors and specialists give you advice. I know you never listen, but does he ? I guess since he doesn’t have to carry the baby, it doesn’t really concern him.

Shelby. Mama, Don’t be mad. I couldn’t bear it if you were. It’s Christmas.

M’Lynn. I’m not mad, Shelby. This is just…hard.  I thought that…..I don’t know.

Shelby. Mama I want a child.

M’Lynn. But what about the adoption proceedings ?You have filed so many applications.

Shelby. Mama. It didn’t take us long to see the handwriting on the wall. No judge is going to give a baby to someone with my medical track record. Jackson even put out some feelers about buying one.

M’Lynn. People do it all the time.

Shelby. Listen to me I want a child of my own. I think it would help  things a lot.

M’Lynn. I see.

Shelby. Mama. I know. I know. Don’t think I haven’t thought this through. You can’t live a life if all you do is worry. And you worry too much. In some ways it’s a comfort to me. I never worry because I know you’re worrying enough for both of us. Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought. 

M’Lynn. Has he really? There’s a first time for everything.

Shelby. Don’t start on Jackson.

M’Lynn. Shelby. Your poor body has been through so much. Why do you deliberately want to…..

Shelby. Mama, diabetics have healthy babies all the time.

M’Lynn. You are special. There are limits to what you can do

Shelby. Mama, listen. I have it all planned. I am going to be very careful. And this time next year, I’m going to be bringing your big healthy grandbaby to the Christmas festival. No one is going to be hurt or disappointed, or even inconvenienced.

M’Lynn. Least of all Jackson, I’m sure,

Shelby. You are jealous because you no longer have any say-so in what I do. And that drives you up the wall. You’re ready to spit nails because you can’t call the shots.

M’Lynn. I did not raise my daughter to talk to me in this way.

Shelby. Yes you did. Whenever any of us asked you what you wanted  us to be when we grew up, what did you say ?

M’Lynn. Shelby, I’m not in the mood for games.

Shelby. What did you say?  Just tell me what you said. Answer me.

M’Lynn. I said all I wanted was for you to be happy.

Shelby. O.K. The thing that would make me happy is to have a baby. If I could adopt one I would, but I can’t. I’m going to have a baby. I wish you would be happy too.

M’Lynn. I wish I…I don’t know what I wish.

Shelby. Mama. I don’t know why you have to make everything so difficult. I look at having this baby  as the opportunity of a lifetime. Sure, there may be some risk involved. That’s true for anybody. But you get through it and life goes on. And when all’s said and done there’ll be a little piece of immortality with Jackson’s looks and my sense of style… I hope. Mama, please I need your support. I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special,

Truvy

(Annelle is spraying Truvy’s hair with more hairspray than necessary)

Annelle. Oops. I see a hole..

Truvy. I was hoping you’d catch that.

Annelle. It’s a little poofier than I would normally do, but I’m nervous 

Truvy. I’m not real concerned about that. When I go to bed I wrap my entire head with toilet tissue so it usually gets a little smushed down anyway in that process.

Annelle. In my class at the Trade School, I was number one when it came to frosting and streaking. I did my own.

Truvy. Really. I wouldn’t have known. And I can spot a bottle job at twenty paces (Studying her hairdo.) Well…your technique is good, and your form and content will improve with experience. So. You’re hired.

Annelle. (Overcome) Oh!!!

Truvy. And not a moment too soon! This morning we’re going to be as busy as a one-armed paper hanger.

Annelle. Thank you , Miss Truvy. Thank you…

Truvy. No time. Now. You know where the coffee stuff is. Everything else is on a tray next to the stove. (Truvy removes her smock)

Annelle. Here let me help you (Dusts her off) You’ve got little tiny hairs and fuzzies all over you.

Truvy. Honey, there’s so much static electricity  in here I pick everything up except boys and money. (Points Annelle towards the kitchen) Be a treasure.( Annelle exits into the kitchen. Truvy immediately starts redoing her hairdo) Annelle? This is the most successful shop in town. Wanna know why ?

Annelle. (offstage) Why?

Truvy. Because I have a strict philosophy that I have stuck to for fifteen years….”There is no such thing as natural beauty “ That’s why I’ve never lost a client to the Kut and Kurl or the Beauty Box. And remember ! My ladies get only the best. Do not scrimp on anything. Fell free to use as much hair spray as you want. (Annelle returns with the tray. The sound of a gunshot makes her jump, but she recovers ) Just shove that stuff to one side, it goes right there. (pointing out of the room)  Manicure station  here…

Annelle. There’s no such thing as natural beauty…

Truvy. Remember that, or we’re all out of a job. Just look at me Annelle. I takes some effort to look like this.

Annelle. I can see that. How many ladies do we have this morning ?

Truvy. I restrict myself to ladies of the neighbourhood on Saturday mornings. Normally it would be just three, but today we’ve got Shelby Eatenton. She’s not a regular, she’s the daughter of a regular. I have to do something special with her hair. She’s getting married this afternoon. Now. How long have you been in town ?

Annelle. A few weeks…

Truvy. New in town ! I t must be exciting being in a new place. I wouldn’t know. I’ve lived here all my life.

Annelle. It’s a little scary.

Truvy. I can imagine. Well…..tell me things about yourself.

Annelle. There’s nothing to tell. I live here. I got a job now. That’s it. Could I borrow a few of these back issues of Southern Hair ?

Truvy. Uh…sure. It’s essential to keep abreast of the latest styles. I glad to see your interest. I get McCall’s, Family Circle, Glamour, Mademoiselle, Ladies’ Home Journal, every magazine known to man. Your must live close by. Within walking distance, I mean. I don’t see a car.

Annelle. My car’s… I don’t have a car. I’ve been staying across the river a Robeline’s Boarding House.

Truvy. That’s quite a walk. Ruth Robeline… now there’s a story. She’s a twisted , troubled soul. Her life was an experiment in terror. Husband killed in World War II. Her son killed in Vietnam. I have to tell you, when it comes to suffering, she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.

Annelle. I had no idea. (There’s a loud gunshot and barking ) Is that a gunshot ?

Truvy. Yes dear, I believe it is. Plug in the hotplate, please.

Annelle. But why is someone firing a gun in  a nice neighbourhood like this ?

Truvy. It’s a long story. It has to do with Shelby’s wedding and her father. (More gunshots and barking ) You’ll be happier if you just ignore it like the rest of the neighborhood.